MAHO : Michigan Association Of Housing Officals

One day while at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants - they can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”

Hurricane Wilma?

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh hell, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answers, "Denephew."

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and chicken wing bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

With hurricanes, tornado's, flooding, earthquakes, tsunami's and severe Thunder storms tearing up the country from one end to another, the quote of the month is from Jay Leno!

"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says," I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostate themselves; beg her for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words... "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostate themselves; beg for her forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says," Well I'm from College Station, Texas and just graduated from A&M with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Bubba's boss was getting tired of Bubba proclaiming that he "knew everybody" in the world.

"Okay, Bubba," his boss said one day, "Prove to me that you know everybody in the world. Do you know Tom Cruise?"

"Oh, me and Tom go way back," said Bubba.

So the boss bought airline tickets to Hollywood, and pretty soon Bubba was knocking at Tom Cruise's door, and was shortly admitted by the butler. Tom rushed to greet Bubba and invited him for lunch, and they had a good time discussing movies and things.

"Well, I'm impressed," said the boss when they left. "But I bet you don't know President Bush."

"Aw, sure I do," said Bubba, and with that they were off to Washington, and pretty soon, the White House guard was escorting the two men into the Oval Office.

"Hiya, Bubba!" said the President, warmly embracing him.

After a nice visit and a chat with the Cabinet secretaries, they left. The boss was suitably impressed, but not giving up.

"Okay, Bubba, I'm going to ask you if you know the ultimate celebrity -- The Pope."

"Why, for sure I do!" said Bubba, and pretty soon they were on an airplane to Vatican City.

They found themselves in St. Peter's Square in a crowd of thousands, and Bubba said, "Heck, I can't see nothin' from here," and so he went right up to the Swiss Guards and the doors opened to him.

The boss waited outside in the square. Pretty soon the door to the upstairs balcony opened, and out comes The Pope and Bubba. They began to smile and wave at the crowd, with their arms around each other. Shortly thereafter Bubba decided to return to the Square. When he got there, an ambulance was loading his Boss into the back.

Bubba rushed up and said, "What happened, Boss?" The boss says, "I was doing fine until you came out on the balcony and the guy next to me says, 'Who is that guy on the balcony with Bubba?'"

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered,"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,

"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

A man sitting next to a beautiful blonde on a plane looked over to see her seemingly in shock from the headline in the newspaper she was holding, which read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Riots."
She turned toward him and with trembling voice asked "How many is a brazilian?"

The FBI has a new way of tracking terrorists on The Internet.

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay stinks and the hours are lousy, but what I do like is that the customer is always wrong."

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, I'm winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

Four friends went deer hunting and paired off into twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an ten-point buck.

"Where's Billy Bob?"
"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."

A young boy arrived to Sunday School class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to Sunday School instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to Sunday School than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin . . . wif two more frogs........

Dave and Fred were deer hunting, and they got lost. Dave tells Fred "Wait, don't panic I learned what to do in case this happens. You're supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will hear you and come with help."

"Okay" said Fred. So he shoots three times into the air. They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next couple of hours.

Fred starts to look a little worried, then he shouts "It better work this time, we're down to our last three arrows!"

A woman goes shopping for a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.

He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

A popular barber shop had a new robotic barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As the robot began to cut his hair it asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and said, "This is really cool." Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "40."

The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about Hillary running for president?"

There is a two term limit bill pending in the State of California Assembly. One term in office and one term in jail.

Sign in a repair shop:
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1."

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

At the dry cleaners:
"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

How to tell you're driving too fast

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

A drunken man staggered into a church, sat down in the confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

A bachelor takes a vacation every summer. He is a golf nut and spends two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut." Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, I will tell you something too," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a few seconds. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you swing".

A few copies of the WINDOWS 2005 Arkansas EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of Arkansas If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Arkansas EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Arkansas EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... stuff ah done did

Also note that the Arkansas EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2005:

Tiperiter............a word processing program
Colerin' Book..................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net......................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers........................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Arkansas EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the $exual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

You gotta love this lawyer - it's too good not to share! Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this. . . .

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter)

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.

Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin"

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(actual letter)

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U. S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The said land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she pawned her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.

Classic hybrid

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

A routine police patrol is parked outside a bar in Kentucky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A Southern boy goes off to college, but he only gets about a third of the way through the semester before he has foolishly squandered what money his parents have given him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this: they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, getting even more excited. "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, and I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.

The boy realizes he has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says somberly, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' Dad, was I ever shocked."

The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' !@#$#@$%!!!!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into office and said, I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
"Everything but my earrings."

"According to a poll in USA Today, 40% of Mexicans say they would move to the U.S. if they had the chance. The other 60% are already here." -- Jay Leno

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look pal, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge said, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...You fancy comin' along?"

As we age, our priorities change..... The other day I came home & was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear & holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "& you can do anything you want." So, I tied her up --- and went golfing.

The Old Man's Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

Conversations taken from actual police car recordings around the country:

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them for a while."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will get you help. Oh..did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.... Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those two beers, fellah?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give tickets to pretty women? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

What’s the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the cab, they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you one wish each,” the genie said. Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, “I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries.” And, poof, he was gone. The junior manager couldn’t keep quiet. He shouted, “ I want to be in Miami, with beautiful girls, food, and cocktails.” And, poof he was gone. Finally, it was the boss’s turn. “I want those idiots back in the office after lunch.”

I went to the butcher’s shop the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. “I’m sorry to bother you so late,” he said, “but I think my wife has appendicitis.” Still half-asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife’s inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. “Whoever heard of a second appendix?” I asked. “You may not have heard of a second appendix,” he replied, “ but surely you’ve heard of a second wife.”

She agreed to be interviewed and led the man inside. He started with a few demographic questions, and then moved on to her family. “So, how many children do you and your husband have?” he asked. “Four. Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George.” “What?” the census taker replied amused. “Why’d you name your fourth child George?” “Because we didn’t want any Moe.”

The judge was in a merry mood on Christmas Eve as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. “That’s not an offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened.”

A man goes to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the Ten Commandments. He has an epiphany and goes to confession. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he begins. “Go ahead son,” the priest says. “Well, I lost my hat and I cam to church to steal one. But then I heard your sermon and I changed my mind.” “That’s great,” the priest replies. “ ‘Thou shalt not steal’ is a powerful commandment.” “ True,” the man says. “But it was when you said, ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ that I remembered where my hat was.”

The teacher asks, “ If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?” Vincent raised his hand and answered, “One dollar.” The teacher shook her head. “You don’t know your math.” Vincent said, “ You don’t know my father.”

A pollster was working outside the United Nations building. He approached three men: a Texan, a Californian, and a New Yorker. “Excuse me,” he said. “I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage.” The Texan replied, “Excuse me, but what is a shortage?” The Californian asked, “Excuse me, but what is meat?” The New Yorker replied, “What is excuse me?”

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold the computer geek, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error?
What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down ..... I D 1 0 T

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a takeout place to order a quart of potato salad. “We don’t sell it by the quart,” the clerk snapped. “Okay, then give me two pints, please,” I replied. I’m proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, “Do you want it in one container?”

A friend of mine got lost on the way to the Flat Rock Playhouse, a theater in a small North Carolina town. He stopped at a farmhouse, where a woman gave him excellent directions. A week later he went back to the theater to see another play, got lost again and stopped at the same house. When the woman came to the door, she exclaimed, “You haven’t found it yet?”

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That’s right- the driver’s side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that- you’d be surprised at how many people waved back.

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked in the room behind me. “See anything you like?” I asked suggestively. “ Yeah,” she said. “ You doing housework.”

Clearly I wasn’t winning the battle of the bulge on my own, so I decided to join a gym. “Before you start working out, we like to do a health assessment,” explained the gym representative. “When you come in, wear loose-fitting clothing.” “If I had loose clothing, we would not be having this conversation.”

Maybe snow or sleet won’t delay the mail, but there are other factors- like lack of faith in the system. The man ahead of me at the post office was getting forms for temporarily stopping mail delivery and change of address. “When you’ve filled them out,” suggested the clerk, “bring them here in person so they don’t get lost in the mail.”

Don’t ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son’s campus during a business trip. Locating what I thought was his fraternity house, I rang the doorbell. “Yeah?” a voice called from inside. “Does Dylan Houseman live here?” “Yup,” the voice answered. “ Leave him on the front porch. We’ll drag him in later.”

The Plan: to build a garden walkway made up of dozens of wooden squares. I decided I’d slice railroad ties into two-inch-thick pieces for sections. That’s what I told the clerk at the lumberyard. “You got a power saw? He asked. “No,” I said. “Can’t I just use my handsaw?” He nodded slowly. “You could. But I have just on question. How old do you want to be when you finish?”

When I went inside the station to pay for my tank of gas, I noticed a sign asking patrons to tell the cashier the number of their pump. Even though I was the only customer, I decided to be silly and tell him anyway. “I’m Number One,” I announced. He smiled. “ Well now. Looks like those motivational tapes are really working for you.”

News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. “My husband wants to call her Sunny,” she told me, “ and I want to give her Anna as her middle name in memory of my mom.” I thought they might want to reconsider their decision, since their birth announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “What is the best thing about being 104?” She replied, “No peer pressure.”

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: “The female dorm is off-limits for male students, and the male dorm for females. Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $180. Questions?” A young man raised his hand. “How much is a season pass?”

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, “ All right, pal, I’ll let you stay, but don’t start anything.

These two green beans are crossing the freeway when one of them is hit by an 18-wheeler. His friend scrapes him up and rushes him to the hospital. After hours of surgery, the doctor says, “ I have good news and bad news.” The healthy green bean says, “Okay, give me the good news first.” “Well, he’s going to live.” “So, what’s the bad news?” “ The bad news is he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

A woman goes to the drugstore and asks for arsenic. “What do you want arsenic for?” the pharmacist asks. “I want to kill my husband,” she replies. “He’s having an affair with another woman.” “I can’t sell you arsenic to kill your husband,” says the pharmacist, “even if he is cheating.” The woman pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist’s wife. The druggist turns pale and replies, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy’s got a Doberman. The other guy has a Chihuahua. The first guy looks up and says, “ Hey, here’s our favorite watering hole. Let’s go in and have a drink.” The second guy says, “Are you kidding? We’ve got our dogs with us. They won’t let us in there.” “ No problem, just follow my lead.” The first man puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to go into the bar. The manager happens to be standing by the door and says, “Hold it, hold it! You can’t come in here with that dog.” “Why? He’s my Seeing Eye Dog.” The manager thinks for a minute and says, “Well, Okay, come on in.” The second guy says, “What the heck, I’ll give it a try.” He puts on his dark glasses and walks in. The manager starts laughing and says, “ What do you think you’re doing? You can’t come in here with that dog.” “He’s my Seeing Eye Dog.” “A Chihuahua?” The guy thinks for a minute and says, “ A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

While sightseeing in Kentucky, we stopped to take a tour of Mammoth Cave. A visitor in our group, looking up at the huge domed ceiling, asked the guide, “ Has there ever been a cave-in?” “Never,” he reassured us. “But if it did, look on the bright side. Where else could you get buried for $2.50?”

“Daddy, do all the fairy tales begin with the words ‘Once upon a time’?” the little girl asked. “No,” he replied. “ A whole lot of them begin with the words ‘If elected, I promise.’

An Accountant couldn’t get to sleep, so he tried counting sheep. But then he made a mistake and it took him all night to find it.

Hopelessly lost, the man pulled his car into an abandoned gas station in the desert and got out. The only creature there was an owl sitting on a cactus. “Owl, are you able to tell me the quickest way to town?” “Are you walking or driving?” asked the wise owl. “I’m driving.” “Well, that is the quickest way.”

Did you hear about the doctor who went on a ski trip and got lost on the slopes? He stamped out “help” in the snow, but nobody could read his writing.

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women:
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22
#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month
#3. A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman:
#1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35 m.p.h. zone. “What’ll I tell my husband?” I worried, explaining to the police officer that he was a self-described “perfect” driver. The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license. “Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?” he asked. Baffled, I answered, “Yes.” “ I stopped him for going 47.”

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern. One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson and pointed to the building. “That’s where I went to school when I was your age,” he said. “Really?” said the boy. “Who was your bartender back then?”

We telemarketers know we’re universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have number where he can be reached. I thanked her, rang that number and was greeted with, “Good morning, Highland View Cemetery.”

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, “This looks much better on.” On what? On fire?

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan’s generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers …” Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, Reagan said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young. We invented them.”

After his marriage broke up, my manager became philosophical. “ I guess it was in our stars,” he sighed. “What do you mean?” I asked. “ Her astrological sign is one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we make mud.”

I was in line at the souvenir booth of a Renaissance fair when a man asked the clerk, “Do you sell sunglasses?” “Alas, yeoman,” she answered in her best fake Old English. “Colored bits of glass suspended before the eyes were not invented until after the Renaissance, so those are not goods we purvey.” As he turned away, ye olde Renaissance clerk added, “But we carry baseball caps with our logo on them.”

On the outskirts of a small Georgia town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing up the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.",said one boy. Meanwhile, several nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices inside the cemetery. He slowed down to listen better. Sure enough, he heard, . "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew just what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the corner he met an old man with a cane hobbling along.

"Come here, quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The old man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see its hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence together, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." "One for me." the old man whispered, boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, now lets go get those nuts down by the fence and we'll be done here." They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

I had ordered vanity plates to go with my very first car and proudly did the installation myself. When I finished, my father came outside and asked, “Why’d you put only one on?” “Because that’s all the state sent me,” I replied. “Is that right?” Dad said with a grin. Kneeling down, he quickly undid the screws and slid a fingernail along the edge of the plate, separating it from the one underneath. The name on my personal plate? “DITZ E 2.”

One afternoon I was in our living room reading the sports pages. “This pitcher earns $2.2 million a year just for throwing a ball straight,” I ranted to my wife. “Anyone can do that.” I picked up a rubber ball that was lying next the my chair and threw it at a couch cushion. “Look at that,” I bragged. “Bulls-eye!” My wife tossed the ball back and I threw again, hitting dead center. “Two in a row, “ I cheered. My third toss went wild and ricocheted into one of my wife’s favorite pictures, knocking it off the end table. She didn’t even look up. “And that,” she said, “is why you make $22,000 a year.”

The last thing my friend Christy was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for any conventional costume. Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of her kids’ Halloween junk pile….. and went as a deviled egg.

My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to our grandson, Nick, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.” “Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Nick said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver. Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the “print” command. The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report. The topic? “Save Our Trees.”

A woman in my office, recently divorced after years of marriage, signed up for a refresher CPR course. “Is it hard to learn?” someone wanted to know. “Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any problems. I did that for 32 years.”

Here’s all you need to know about the different relationships a guy has with his wife and his mother. I bought two ceiling fans, one for our home and one for my parents. While installing our fan, I had to stand on a chair on my tiptoes. As she watched me struggle, my wife let me know the reason for my troubles: “You’re too short.” Later, my mother watched me on my tiptoes as I was installing the other fan for my parents. Her comment: “The chair’s too short.”

As the office manager for Loving Kindness, a nonprofit organization, I’m on the phone with volunteers a lot. But I rarely get a chance to talk to them face-to-face. After numerous phone conversations with one volunteer, we finally met. I was instantly struck by how tall she was-easily six feet. “I would have never recognized you!” I blurted out as we shook hands. “ You sound so much shorter on the phone.”

A co-worker was beside himself. He was expecting an important business call, but his phone wasn’t receiving incoming calls. He phoned the technical department, but no one answered. So he sent this urgent e-mail: “Could you please give me a call; my telephone doesn’t work.”

People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie-theater chain, has passed away at age 65,” the newspaper obit read. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50.”

The mine operator called the nearby state prison and asked them to send over a safecracker to open his jammed safe. Soon, a convict and a prison guard showed up at the office. The inmate spun the dials, listened intently and calmly opened the safe door. "What do you figure I owe you?" asked the mine operator. "Well," said the prisoner, " the last time I opened a safe, I got $25,000."

Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." "Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply. The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course sir!" "I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. " Change your course, sir." The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Spotting the befuddled CEO holding a piece of paper and standing by the shredder, the assistant decided to help. "This document's very important," said the CEO. "Can you make this thing work?" The assistant turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed "start." "Great," said the CEO as his paper disappeared into the machine. " I just need one copy."

Jack locked up his bar and headed home. He'd been asleep a few minutes when the telephone rang. "What time do you open in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire. Furious, Jack slammed the phone down and went back to sleep. But the same guy called again. "You might as well stop calling," Jack Shouted. "There's no way I'm letting a drunk like you into my bar!" "I don't want to get in," the caller interjected. " I want to get out!"

The salesman at the megastore had only one sale that day, but it was for a staggering $158,762. Flabbergasted by such a massive sale, the manager asked him to explain. "First I sold the man a fish hook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and reel. When I found out he was planning on fishing down the coast, I suggested He'd need a boat. Then I took him to the automotive department and sold him our biggest SUV to pull the boat." "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?" asked the boss. "Actually," said the salesman, "he came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. Might as well go fishing."

Excerpts from actual employee evaluations.

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"When she opens her mouth, it is only to change feet."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, she's the other one."

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geological: Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas. Our dipsticks are located in Washington D.C.

After applying their lipstick in the school bathroom, a number of girls would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. The principal decided that something had to be done. So she called all the girls to the bathroom and explained that the lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian. To demonstrate how difficult it was, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and swabbed the glass. Since then, here have been no lip prints.

My friend, a grocery store manager, chased a shoplifter through dry goods and frozen foods before catching the perp with a leaping tackle in cleaning supplies. That's when my friend noticed that all of the customers in line at the cash registers were staring. "Everything's fine, folks," he assured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express lane with more than ten items."

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet- who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing? Because she smells like a new truck!

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.

A woman bought a fancy new car, and returned the next day complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. Listen to this! He said. "Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she would say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, Beatles", she'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them. "ASSHOLES!" She yelled.....

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax.

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy.

Montana Street Gang

Children are like pancakes. You sort of ruin the first one and you get better at it the second time around. By the third one, you flip it over just at the right time.

Louie blew his shot at being a Marine. When he and two other recruits were about to embark on a survival test in the desert, they were told they could take one thing along with them. The first recruit said, "I'll take a canteen filled with water so I won't get thirsty." The second recruit said, "I'll take a cooler filled with food so I won't get hungry." "I'll take a car door," said Louie. "A car door?" asked the others. "Yeah," answered Louie, " so that when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

Polly the parrot didn't look well, and the vet confirmed it. "I'm sorry," he told the owner, "I'm afraid your bird doesn't have long to live." "Oh no," wailed the owner. "Are you sure?" The vet left the room and returned with a big black Labrador, who sniffed the bird from top to bottom, then shook his head.
Next the vet brought in a cat. He too sniffed the parrot and sadly shook his head. "Your bird is definitely terminal," said the vet, handing the owner a bill. "Wait-$500! Just to tell me my bird is dying?" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan…."

King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are?"

Delbert's going on his first vacation and he's pumped. So he calls up the airline and asks, "How long does it take to fly from Nashville to Los Angeles?" The agent says, "Just a minute…." "Thanks," Delbert responds, and hangs up.

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Finally after 25 years on a deserted island, Joe was being rescued. As he climbed onto the boat, the curious crew noticed three small grass huts. "What are those?" they asked. "The first is my home," Joe said. "The second is my church." "What about the third hut?" the rescuers wanted to know. "Oh," says Joe, " that's the church I used to belong to."

Texas rancher is vacationing in Australia. He meets a farmer, who shows off his wheat field. "We've got wheat fields twice as big back home," boasts the Texan. They keep walking, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. "Oh, we have Longhorns that are twice as big," says the braggart. A little while later, the Texan spots kangaroos hopping across a field. "What are those?" he asks. Says the Aussie, "Aintcha got grasshoppers in Texas?"

A man and his wife were giving each other the silent treatment. After a week of no talking, the man realized he would need his wife to wake him up for an early morning fishing trip. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, " Please wake me up at 5 a.m." The next morning the man arose, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed the trip. Furious, he was about to go and find his wife when he noticed a piece of paper on his pillow. It read: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up!"

There's a new cop drama on TV that's set in Alaska. I bet the police will never yell, "Freeze!"

A big burly man paid a visit to a pastor's home. "Sir," he said, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family. The father is unemployed, and the mother can't work because of the nine children she must raise. They are hungry and soon will be forced onto the street unless someone pays their $500 rent." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher. Touched by the concern of a man with such a gruff appearance, he asked, "May I ask who your are?" The visitor sobbed, "I'm their landlord."

During an interview, a reporter asked the bank president of the secret of his success. " Two words." "And what are they?" "Right decisions." "How are the right decisions made?" "One word." "What is that?" "Experience." "How do you get experience?" "Two words." "What are they?" "Wrong decisions."

Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his home. "Sorry, that's against the rules," says the sergeant. "You don't get it, " says the man. "I need to know how he got in without waking my wife."

An old man living alone on a farm wrote to his only son, Bubba, in prison. "Dear Bubba: I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. Wish you were here- I know you would take care of it for me. Love, Dad." About a week later, the farmer received this letter. "Dear Dad: Don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Bubba." The next morning, FBI agents stormed the property and dug up the entire garden. They didn't find any bodies, though, so they apologized to the old man and left. Soon the farmer received another letter. "Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba."

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time that he has left. "All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, " is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did. But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep. "Oh come on," Jim whispers in her ear. "Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"

I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it's everywhere I want to be.

Thinking no one is home, a robber breaks into a house, only to find the frightened owners in bed watching TV. "What's your name?" he says menacingly to the wife at gunpoint. "E-E-Elizabeth," she says. "This is your lucky day, " he says. "I can't shoot anyone named Elizabeth because that was my dear mother's name." He turns to the husband. "What's your name?" "My name's Harry," says the man. "But everyone calls me Elizabeth.&